Seven Ways to Love Your Spouse Even When You Can't Stand Them

Learn how to create intimacy in your relationship and enhance your connection with your spouse during challenging times. 

We have all had the moments of absolute disdain for our significant other. We think to ourselves, "How could we have married this being?" when we can barely stand to be in the same room as them. Just looking at them may throw you completely over the edge. But for whatever, crazy reason, as small voice in your head reminds you that you do love this monster. 

Face it. We've all been there. If you haven't, you will. It's part of human nature. However, growing through these moments, together, is part of the formula of a healthy, long-lasting marriage. Here are seven ways to help reconnect and maintain your sanity in your relationship. 

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1. Don't Take Yourself, or Your Partner, Too Seriously.

Life is short. Simple words to live by? But seriously, don’t take your relationship so serious. "But we are married, isn’t it suppose to be serious?" Yes. But you will make mistakes and you will get over it. I Promise. Allow yourself to make mistakes, say something stupid and learn from it. After all, marriage is no sane institution. It takes two people that can roll with the punches to make it. Learning to have a little fun in your relationship can help reduce all that gunky tension. 

2. Take a Chill Pill. 

Relax. Take a hike. Literally. Find something that calms your mind and body. Couples who are able to find ways to relax themselves are less likely to get stirred up by the little inner workings of everyday life. To add to that, breathing is always a good thing. We often get too mad at our partners to be mindful in the moment, take a second, breathe. Allow your mind to soak in all that yummy oxygen that helps your brain not to blurt out something offensive.

3. Become mesmerized by their eyes, again.

“Eyes are the window to the soul”. Not too far off. Looking into someone’s eye’s increases intimacy throughout the relationship. It reminds us that your partner is human and not the spawn of satan that was put on this earth to make your life miserable. Behind those eyes is your loving, charismatic, sometimes messy, but fun partner. Gaze into them occasionally to reaffirm that, indeed, they are still in there and are still in this with you. We can only hope that our partners do the same when we are having a one of our um.. moments. 

4. Shut your mouth and open your ears.

And I mean that with all the love in my heart. Listen. Figure out what your partner is actually saying. I know, easier said than done. But it’s just that simple. What is your partner really saying? What do they need? I know we make it difficult by arguing about things that aren't really the problem {See number 6}, but what is behind that smoke and mirrors? It may be a lot simpler than it seems. One way to help is to ask yourself, “Is this helping or hurting my relationship?” Sometimes just listening holds the greatest healing power. We are all in the world wanting to be heard. Learn more about decoding your partner's Cryptic messages.

​5.  Relive the past

I know it seems like the opposite of the advice that you’ve read in other articles, but the past was the foundation for your relationship. The past offers memories of euphoria and glee that many couples experience within the first couple years, months, or just days of dating. Bring yourself back to what initially attracted you to your partner. Was it their ability to keep you on your toes, or maybe their love for animals? Whatever it was revisit it. Allow yourself to find those qualities in your partner. Trust me they are still in there. Perhaps buried behind years of distrust and shame, none the less they ARE still the person you married.

6.  Reorganize your priorities.

What really matters in life? Does it matter that the dishes are never done on time or that dirty socks never seem to make it into the hamper? Find your fight and only fight for what matters. Perhaps it’s the lack of investment in what you desire. Fight about that, not about your socks. Sometimes we hide behind mindless fights that allow us to discharge energy. Learn what matters to you. What can you live with? And what can you find a way to make yourself live with? And most importantly what demoralizes your self-worth? Find ways to compromise without losing who you are.

7. Snuggle up. 

Yeah right. I know the last thing you want to do is touch your partner. But it is the number one thing you need to do, in a loving way of course. Loving, gentle touch is what builds connections between babies and mothers, interesting enough, it's what sustains relationships into adulthood and creates long-lasting bonds. Go at your own speed. This isn't a race. maybe just try sitting in the same room and go from there. notice how nice it feels to just be with your partner. 

Disclaimer: as with all relationships some work, some don't. It's not my job to tell if you it's working or not. UNFORTUNATELY that's for you to decide. If it's not though, you need to get out. Abuse of any kind is not acceptable. Consult with your therapist for relationships involving domestic violence. 

Brittany Malak,  LMFT 

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