Why giving advice isn’t what your partner needs

Why Giving Advice to Your Partner Creates Loneliness and How Empathy Can Help

7/16/2019

The Dream of a Deeper Connection

As a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist, one of the most common goals couples enter therapy with is a desire for something deeper. Couples are longing to restore a lost connection with their partner which has left them feeling empty.

Many couples come in wounded from the outside world, wounded from the inside world and have lost touch with one another. And the next thing I know, I am in front of two people who are both, unknowingly, feeling the same thing: loneliness.

Loneliness Epidemic

Loneliness isn’t the goal of a relationship. It’s not what sparks our dream of falling madly in love, starting a family and growing old together. Loneliness is quite the opposite of all that. Yet, so many couples find themselves isolated, lost, and feeling lonely in their relationships.

As time goes on and on, I’m noticing that we tend to feel even more lonely in life. The world can be a treacherous environment, leaving us feeling run down and alone.

This is the last feeling we want to experience in our relationship. We want our relationships to be a safe place where we run to when everything else falls apart.

The Loneliness - Empathy Connection

I know I said this blog post was about empathy. It is. But we can’t really understand empathy and the vital need for it unless we understand the lonely feeling that drives empathy.

How are the two related? Empathy, by definition, is the act of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes to gain an understanding and compassion of what they may be feeling.

Empathy is the direct antidote for a lonely feeling in a relationship. Being empathetic to your partner sends one clear message to them “I see you. You are not alone”.

Maybe empathy can be defined as “the act of seeing” your partner. Yeah yeah yeah. You ‘see’ your partner every day. You see their face for about five minutes as your rushing out the door, three kids on your hip, and late for work. But how many times do you actually SEE your partner. See your partner’s soul. Who they are.

Expressing empathy in a relationship helps one another feel seen, heard, understood and loved.

You don’t have the answers, Stop Giving Advice

As a partner, it is not your job to give your partner unsolicited advice. Your partner does not, I repeat, does not need you to “fix” or “solve” their problems. I cannot emphasize that enough. But so many of us are “fixers”. We are completely uncomfortable with things being unresolved, not having tangible solutions. So when our partner comes to us with a problem, we feel this uncontrollable need to fix it.

Exhibit A.

Partner: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed with work. My boss has been down my throat about getting this project done for an upcoming deadline.”

You: “Why don’t you just look for another job. You always seem to be overwhelmed and unhappy all the time.”

Your trying to be a good loving partner, fixing your partner’s problem. Just get a different job. But that’s not what they need. They need empathy.

Exhibit B.

Partner: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed with work. My boss has been down my throat about getting this project done for an upcoming deadline.”

You: “It sounds like that really is a heavy burden on you. I can imagine carry around that much stress must make you feel like your drowning.”

Empathy. This is what gives us the warm fuzzy tingles inside in Exhibit B. Your partner feels like we see them. We express how we see how much of a weight this job is on them and can empathize what that’s like for them. From your partner’s perspective, it feel like you really sees us and we don’t feel alone in the world. We go on to feel heard and understood and nuzzle up in your arms the remainder of the night binge watching Netflix.

Empathy for Beginners (and literally everyone else)

Empathy is something that we learn as were are growing up. We learn about others' experiences and develop a deep understanding of what others perspectives may be.

For some this doesn’t come easy. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Here’s a cheat sheet for you the next time your partner is turning towards you for support. This provides a good starting point for you to develop empathy naturally with your partner.

“This is really hurting you, I can see how it’s impacting you.”

“I understand how that must feel for you”

“That makes a lot of sense. I think anyone would feel that way.”

“I would really struggle with that as well.”

“What it sounds like I’m hearing from you is ___” (Summarize your partner’s thoughts and feelings”