How To Split Up The Holidays Without Splitting Up Your Relationship

Navigating through the holiday Chaos

The holidays are times of love, family, happiness, and most importantly chaos. One of the most overwhelming aspects of the holidays is arm wrestling with your spouse over who's family to visit. Millions of fights start over this very premise. If you're lucky you've constructed the most perfect plan of events that makes everyone happy and the holidays go off without a hinge. If you're like everyone else, just even the mere thought of discussing how to share your time on the holidays makes you contemplate just staying in bed the entire months of november and december. 

Don't worry about making everyone happy. 
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This is probably my number one rule in life. While you can try and try and try, you will never make everyone happy. I know that sounds very scrough-ish and this is suppose to be about the most wonderful time of the year. But it's true. The holidays bring up many family issues that go deeper than just who to visit when and where on the holidays. Remember to keep yourself in the present. Your mom wants you to spend spend the holidays with her picking out a christmas tree, while you father-in-law wants to take the two of you out to the family cabin for the weekend. Your partner cannot believe why you would want to pass over a weekend getaway for stupid tree and eventually it feels like everyone is pulling you in a different direction. 

Breathe. 

One of the first steps is becoming aware that you cannot please everyone. But more importantly, you need to begin to identify who you need to please: Yourself and your partner. 

This isn't about who's family you like better. 

Picking out a holiday plan seems extremely personal, as if the final decision will showcase who the winning family is. That's a lot of pressure. This isn't about who's family is better. No one's family is more important than the other. This is a challenging point to soak in because it can feel like a battle of the families. This is about the joining of two families. Trust me your spouse is not trying to act like their family is better, they, just like you, are just use to their traditions that they have been doing for years. 

Your FAmily will love you still. 

I know it doesn't seem like it. Your grandmother may be upset you aren't there in time for her carols, and your partner's uncle may be upset you aren't staying late enough to try his homemade pie. However they will get over it. Simple as that. Your family members all went through a period of time in which they too were torn on where to go for the holidays. While they may take your decisions as a couple personally, ultimately they will still support you. Most of the time we tend to exaggerate how much our family will be affected by our decisions. In the end, your family is still responsible for their own happiness {Refer to "Don't worry about making everyone happy}

Remember you love your partner. 

Perhaps after hours of discussing holiday plans you are contemplating on what planet you must have been on when you decided to be in a committed relationship with your partner. The two of you are on opposite ends of the earth and no one is budging. Take a second to remember this is a person you love, shockingly enough. Keep this in mind to be compassionate and empathetic. Your partner is going through the same struggle as you, trying to navigate through this. You two may take solace in that you both will give up some old traditions to make new ones with each other. 

Make new traditions.

ultimately, you and your partner will make new traditions and memories together to carry on for years to come. While it may be taxing for the two of you to come to an agreement, focus on building a mutual experience for the both of you. After all this is the time of year in which you get to let your partner in on the cooky-ness of your family, while getting to laugh with them about how equally insane their own family is. 

Brittany Malak, LMFT

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