Relational Balance - A Relationship Blog

Decode your partner's cryptic messages | without losing your mind

10/1/2016

Sometimes it feels like you need to be a professional detective to figure out what the heck is going on with your partner. However, Don't start CONTEMPLATING a career change just quite yet. Learning how to understand your partner's needs takes time yes, But hopefully this guide provides a starting point for beginning to "get" your partner.

Understand the basic needs of a relationship.

OFten times we become complacent in relationships. You put a ring on it. You moved in together. Even Had a baby. That's it .. right? Relationships are like a newborn baby. They need continued NURTURE or the littlest bump will cause an epic meltdown. When working with couples, the relationship is the client, the same works when conceptualizing your own relationships. All relationships present with these basic needs.

Connection: The number one need of All Relationships. It's so basic, yet so forgotten at times. We all need to feel love, accepted, and desired every single day of our lives. Connection comes in many shapes and sizes, such as hugs, kisses, i loves you, and just being near someone.

Empathy: While no one can ever fully understand the magnitude of our daily struggles, we need partners to be empathetic, to validate our feelings in the moment. Whether it's relishing in the excitement of a new job promotion, or crying next to your partner through the lose of a family member.

Loyalty: It's plain old scary in the outside world sometimes. A relationship is a safe haven to retreat to. Relationships serve the purpose of being your Emotional Home as an adult. A stable foundation that is going to stick it out through inevitable turmoil. Knowing that your partner has your back allows you to go out and live up to your fullest potential.

FIGURE OUT THE UNMET NEED.

COMMUNICATION HAS A PURPOSE. ALWAYS. WHEN TALKING TO YOUR PARTNER FIGURE OUT WHAT IS THE NEED THEY ARE TRYING TO MEET. WHAT DOES THEIR BEHAVIOR, OR LACK THERE OF, REALLY SAY? Here are some steps to begin to view your partner in a different light.

What Happened before? Figuring out what triggered your partner's response is a great starting point for deciphering how to help your partner. Identify both ways in which you may have triggered your partner and any external factors outside of the relationship that may be weighing heavily.

What emotions are present? How is your partner feeling? This is trickier than it seems. We often get stuck on terms of mad, sad, or happy, but dig deeper. what is the magnitude of the feeling?

Talk to them. I know, too simple right? This is your opportunity to continue to build upon your connection with your partner. let them know you notice something is off {empathy} and inquire about What you can do to help {Loyalty}. Focus on creating a nonjudgmental approach.

Listen. Now to the hard part. Put your agenda aside for a minute to listen to your partner. Sometimes that is all that is necessary. Do you hear your partner's need for connection, empathy, or loyalty?

Express your own needs. Relationships are mutual. The hardest part may be sharing with your partner your own needs in the relationship.

EXAMPLES

"YOU NEVER DO THE DISHES". I HAND-SELECTED THIS ONE BECAUSE I AM GUILTY OF IT PERSONALLY. SAYING THINGS SUCH AS YOU NEVER THIS.. YOU NEVER THAT.. SHOWS A NEED FOR LOYALTY. WHAT YOUR PARTNER MIGHT BE SAYING IS, "I NEED YOU COMMIT TO THIS. I NEED YOU TO PUT IN AS MUCH AS I AM. I NEED YOU GIVE IT 100%".

"I'M FINE". THE DREADED RESPONSE AFTER YOU THEY'VE STORMED INTO THE HOUSE, THREW DOWN THEIR KEYS AND SULKED INTO THE COUCH. YOUR PARTNER MAY NEED TO CONNECT WITH YOU. THEY MIGHT NEED A HUG, A REASSURANCE, OR JUST FOR YOU TO BE IN CLOSE PROXIMITY.

"WHATEVER". HONESTLY, MY LEAST FAVORITE PHRASE TO HEAR COMING OUT OF MY HUSBANDS MOUTH AFTER AN ARGUMENT. WHATEVER AND OTHER ONE WORD ANSWERS OFTEN ARE A SIGN THAT YOUR PARTNER FEELS UNHEARD AND NEEDS YOU TO SHOW THEM EMPATHY. VALIDATE HOW THEY ARE FEELING, OR WHAT THEY SAID. "WHATEVER" MAY BE ANOTHER WAY FOR YOUR PARTNER TO SAY "YOU ARE NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT I AM SAYING SO I FEEL DEFEATED".

WHATEVER THE CONTENT OF THE SITUATION MAY BE, BE MINDFUL OF THE NEEDS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP A PRIORITY WHEN INTERACTING WITH YOUR PARTNER.